


I feel the plucking of our petals.

by dodgingbullets



Category: Power Rangers, Power Rangers (2017)
Genre: AU, Bullying, Drug Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, It's going to be a journey ya'll, Love/Hate, Slow Burn, Trini/Jason brotp, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-20 10:37:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10660824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dodgingbullets/pseuds/dodgingbullets
Summary: Trini's been dancing at the edge of a downward spiral since her freshman year of high school. She's kept herself together; after all, she's always been a strong girl. She's never been unable to run away from her demons.It's only when her best friend invites a familiar face to be their third roommate that she realizes the past is harder to run from when it's living in your apartment - and the spiral she'd been dancing around has already begun to suck her in.Post-college AU.





	1. our dust still unsettled

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea and I couldn't let it go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 6.16.18 - Doing a rewrite of the existing chapters (4 chapters) because I'm not a fan of a bunch of literary choices I made when I first wrote this.

The smirking man leaning against the wall on the far side of the bar sends her a wink and she throws him a tense smile back, and that’s as much as he’s going to get for the free liquor. He doesn’t look like he’s going to approach her but just to be safe, she turns to the black-haired boy next to her and smiles at him, making his face turn a light shade of pink. They hold a short conversation that she can’t be bothered to remember, although she half-heartedly tries to, and it’s only until the bar creep sets his sights on another girl that she turns away from the boy next to her.

The boy only tries for five more minutes to start another conversation until he gets the hint and leaves her alone. He seems like a nice guy but that’s the last thing she’s looking for. Her eyes scan the room until they land on something pretty.

“No, nope. Definitely not. Nope.” She mutters under her breath while looking around the bar. “Oh, hello.”

A blonde girl sitting alone by the round tables, cute shirt, nice body, shy smile.

She grabs the shot glass the weird man sent her way and throws it back, almost reacting at the sting hitting the back of her throat but managing not to make a face. Clenching her hands in fists for a moment to get over the initial feeling of ingesting gasoline, she slides off her barstool and walks over to the girl and taps her on her shoulder, getting her attention.

“Hey – oh! My bad, I thought you were someone I knew from school from the side.” She says, feigning surprise. “I’m sorry to bother.”

“Oh, no worries.” The girl smiles. “I live in the apartment across the street, so I just dropped by alone. So you’re not interrupting anything.” 

“Mind if I join you, then? I’m here alone too.” Trini asks. 

“Sure.” She responds. “My name’s Nancy-Ann.”

“My name’s Trini. Cute name, I like it. Nancy-Ann.” Trini says. It’s a pretty dumb name. 

“Thanks.” Nancy says with a blush. “My friends call me Nancy. It’s a bit of a mouthful to say the whole thing.”

“No way, it rolls off the tongue.” Trini says. It doesn’t, though. “Speaking of tongues…”

It’s a short six hours later that Trini rolls herself out of the blonde – _Nancy-something? Nancy-Drew?_ – girl’s bed, slipping out from under her arms. Her vision’s still a bit unsteady and her head is slightly pounding from all the drinks she’s had since the stranger’s shot in a (successful) bid to bed the blonde stranger. She’s able to locate her wallet and pull on most of her scattered clothes except for her top. The shirt that was aggressively thrown somewhere during the night couldn’t have grown legs and walked away, right?

“Mm – Trini?” A sleepy voice calls out from the bed.

Trini freezes up, willing herself not to look back, but a soft snore follows the silence. The blonde is back asleep. Trini breathes a sigh of relief. Crisis averted.

It takes five more minutes of searching in the relative dark, one instance of stubbing her big toe on the corner of the bed, and two mini panic attacks when the Nancy-girl shifts in her sleep before she’s out the door and on her way back to her own apartment. She takes a quick detour to her favorite breakfast stop but eventually makes it back into her own place. By the time she trudges down the hall and flops down on the living room couch , she hears shuffling from the other bedroom.

“Where have you been, young lady? Do you know how worried I was? Third night in a row you’ve done this. You’re grounded.”

Her roommate walks in from his bedroom, stretching his arms out and yawning while pretending to scold her.

“Shut up, Jason.”

Trini tosses a bagel to him that he gladly accepts, shuffling over to the refrigerator as she sits down at the counter island that connects the living room to the kitchen. She unwraps the foil on own bagel, pulling out her usual order of toasted plain with cream cheese and giving it a big bite.

“OJ or Peach-Mango?” Jason asks.

“Coffee, no milk, and definitely no sugar.” Trini responds.

“We don’t have any more. You drank the last of it yesterday morning, remember?”

“Ugh, fine. Orange.”

Jason grabs the orange juice carton from the fridge and shuts it closed with his foot before walking over to the counter. The bagel is already unwrapped and held between his teeth, the cover oil tossed messily on top of the growing pile of garbage in the corner of the kitchen. The trash can is one Jenga move away from becoming the world’s filthiest avalanche, but it’s almost become a game of wills at this point to see which one of them would give in and take the garbage out first. Jason grabs two cups and pours them to the brim with orange juice before capping off the carton and sitting down on a stool.

“How was last night, though?” He asks.

Trini tries to tune him out with a sip of juice but he takes another bite of the bagel and keeps his playful stare on her. She’s convinced he’ll keep bugging her until she talks, which _has_ happened one too many times before. Putting her cup down, she finally responds.

“Nothing interesting.”

“Was she hot?”

“Sure hope so.”

“Are you going to see her again?”

“Hopefully never.”

A dramatic sigh leaves her roommate’s mouth as he shoves the rest of the bagel down his throat and crumples theatrically onto the counter. Trini moves her cup to prevent his flopping body from knocking it over. He keeps up his sighs as she takes small nibbles of her own food, blocking out his dramatic ass by slipping into her own thoughts and walking over to the kitchen couch. She stares at her friend as he gives up the sighs and goes into a soliloquy about emotional intimacy and blah blah blah, she’s already tuning him out. She can’t believe he’s such a weirdo.

Jason Scott, high school football star and hometown hero.

Jason fucking Scott, drama queen since 17, apparently.

They met in college and if she had to summarize her first impressions of him, it’d be neatly tied together with the sentence: “I hate this guy.” He was every bit the athlete stereotype that she encountered in every single school she’d been to through high school, so it was easy to immediately despise him. The kid was a mess, too – he lived in the dorm room next to hers during freshman year and the earliest memories Trini had of him involved his drunk knocks against the wall separating them and the occasional campus police officer that would come knocking on all the doors down the hall looking for him.

She knew boys like him – boys like him used to make her feel small and invisible. Her life had been a series of jumping from high school to high school to eventual homeschooling ever since one particularly bad freshman year at Atlas High. She knew boys like him from high school and she was not interested in knowing boys like him in college.

And then one day, his adopted brother came over and decided he wanted to hang out in her room instead, and honestly, she didn’t have the heart to say no. She’s kind of glad she didn’t, because Billy is the coolest kid she thinks she knows, and every time she talks to him, she feels a little bit smarter by association. Since that day Billy visited her dorm, all she knows is that when Jason knocked on the wall separating them, she would knock back, and soon enough, those knocks became knocks on her door during reasonable hours.

They never misinterpreted each other’s intentions. She made it very clear she was into women “even though you’re practically a chick” and he acted offended that she would think that he would ever be into someone “the height of my knees” and both of them pretended to be mad at each other for maybe a good three hours. Somehow, in the insults and banter, they became inseparable friends.

Just like that, Trini was best friends with the very kind of boy that used to make her life a living hell. Who would’ve seen it coming?

“Why are you up so early?” Trini says, no longer wanting to think about her past with Jason Scott.

“Oh, right, I forgot to tell you. Well, I tried, but you’re never home!” Jason whines.

Trini rolls her eyes and takes another sip of juice.

“There’s this girl I became pretty close friends with during my senior year of high school. She’s trying to move into the city so I invited her over.” Jason says, dropping down next to her on the couch and kicking his feet up onto the coffee table. “We have that spare bedroom and way too much rent to pay so I asked if she wanted to move in with us, just temporarily.”

Trini scoffs, fully aware of her friend’s process. She never had a huge issue with any of the last three roommates that Jason brought in, but he eventually found something arbitrary to hate about them and he kicked them out. They would go back to having two people in a three-bedroom apartment. The last guy had “a weird breathing thing” and the girl before him “smelled like eggs, but not fresh ones.” Trini’s pretty sure this new girl might make it a full month at best before Jason forces her to move out in the middle of the night, like he did to the guy who Jason thought was “a complete psychopath” because he ate his cereal without milk.

“Please, Jason. You go through roommates like –“

“– like how you go through girls?” Jason interrupts with a sly grin.

“Shut up.”

“I have high standards. You should be proud that I kept you around for so long.” He says, swinging his feet off the table and onto her lap.

She shoves his legs off and rolls her eyes when his legs come swinging back onto her lap.

“You’re the one that should be grateful that I even deal with your annoying ass.

“Your life would be _so_ boring without me.”

“Boo hoo, Jason. You’d be in jail by now without _me_.”

“Me? Jail? Says the girl that once got so drunk that she kicked a police officer right in the –“

A knock on the door ends their argument.

“That must be her!” Jason says, jumping from his seat.

“Control your boner, Jason.” Trini mocks, focusing her attention to her phone.

“It’s not like that, first of all. And you should meet her since she’s going to be our new roomie.”

“Don’t care. Never have! And never will!” Trini sing-songs from her position on the couch.

Trini doesn’t bother to look up from her phone when she hears the door open and Jason exchange pleasantries with the new addition to the apartment. She figures she should probably say something after their conversation dies down a bit, since completely ignoring the newcomer’s presence might not set the best impression. She’s not sure how much it should even matter, being that Jason’s impossible taste in housemates and how high roommate turnover has been as of late. Trini stands and walks towards the girl, who she can’t really see because of Jason’s broad body covering her line of vision.

The girl notices her approaching, and she quickly tries to introduce herself past Jason’s shoulders, which is when Jason decides to move out of the way and allow the girls to properly meet. The girl is midway through an introduction when Trini’s eyes finally fall on her face. Blood immediately rises to her head in something boiling hot and red.

“Nice to meet you! I’m –“

The girl’s eyes widen, just slightly. Jason’s looking between the two of them in confusion, noting the subtle shock freezing the newcomer’s features and the tense frown painting his best friend’s lips. He isn’t certain they know each other until Trini grits her teeth and spits out her next few words.

“Kimberly _fucking_ Hart.”


	2. I'm drawing circles don't you know

Trini makes the split second decision that she needs a drink after the tense stare down with Kimberly Hart. Kim’s standing there, mouth open but no words coming out. A sadistic part of her almost wants to engage and trudge up parts of their shared past to her, but Trini’s pretty sure that would end up being more masochistic than she’s willing to admit. Kim looks different than she remembers – her hair is definitely shorter but she’s as tall and as pretty as ever. And it kind of pisses her the fuck off.

“Trini.” She finally says, arms dropping to her side.

There’s a second where Trini considers landing a drop-kick on the girl, but violence isn’t really her style. Honestly, all she wants is to get the hell out of there and down a couple of whiskey sours. She ignores the girl and pushes past Jason, making a beeline for the door.

She wonders if the bartender would notice she’s wearing the same clothes from last night. They’re not even _that_ dirty. They were mostly off for most of last night anyways.

With a slam of the door, Trini’s out the apartment and minutes away from her usual haunt. It feels weird going to her bar at barely past noon (although she’d be hard pressed to say she’s never done it) so she looks around until her eyes land on a newer looking club. Going to a club past noon doesn’t sound any better, but none of the bar staff from her favorite place will see her there, so it seems like a good compromise. As soon as she steps in, she already knows it’s not her usual vibe. It’s dark and dingy and there’s neon lights everywhere. The music sounds like a mix of hard electronic music and a trash can getting kicked repeatedly.

She scans the club, whiskey sour in hand. There’s nobody particularly sparking her interest and she’s too caught up in her thoughts to really look, so she flicks the lemon on the ridge of her cup until it falls to the bottom of her cup. She plays with the little straw, trying to listen to the clinking of the ice cubes against the loud bass bumping through the club.

“You waiting for someone, sweetheart?”

The raspy voice surprises Trini but she regains her composure quick enough to turn around and give the woman standing behind her a once-over. The woman is tall and thin, skin glowing from the neon green signs flashing behind the bar. She’s definitely gorgeous but there’s a glint in her eye that looks like it could be mischief or something more sinister. Trini hopes it’s the former.

“Rita.” The woman says, holding her hand out for Trini to shake. “Pleasure.”

“Trini.” She responds, taking Rita’s hand and giving it a soft kiss. “Pleasure’s mine.”

“Cheeky girl.” Rita laughs. “Don’t you know it’s twelve in the afternoon, not 12 at night?”

“I wanted to check this place out.” Trini shrugs. “Is that a problem?”

“Seeing that I wouldn’t have run into you if you hadn’t, I see no problems with it at all.”

The woman grabs a seat next to her and leans on her arm, head on the palm of her hand.

“So what’s a girl like you doing in a grimy place like this? You walked in here looking like you were going to kill someone, you know. That’s why I noticed you." 

“I’m just… cooling down. I’m going back to my apartment after this drink, probably.” Trini admits. “Getting drunk every time I feel upset doesn’t sound like the kind of person I want to keep being.”

“Sweetheart, there are other things than _alcohol_ , you know.” Rita winks. “And it’d be a lie to say they don’t feel a helluva lot better.” 

“Are you implying sex? Or other things?” Trini challenges, eying the older woman. “And are you offering or just wasting my time?”

“Ooh, blunt and feisty. I like you already.” Rita grins, drumming her fingers on the bar top. “Why not both?”

For a second, Trini considers the offer. After all, Rita’s an attractive lady – she’s got some years on her, but Trini’s always been a sucker for older women. Still, a part of her tries to think rationally and push the overwhelming feelings and thoughts that began brewing in her mind the moment Kim walked into her apartment. Her head’s beginning to hurt from all the emotional effort, so with a sigh, she pushes back away from the bar and stands.

“Thanks for the offer, but I really do have to get back home.”

Rita clicks her tongue in disappointment, removing herself from the bar top to grab a napkin. She leans over the bar to grab a pen from the bartender’s counter and quickly jots on it before pushing it towards Trini.

“If you decide to reconsider… call me.”

With another wink, the older woman walks away and Trini’s left staring at the napkin. She considers crumpling it up and throwing it out, because the last thing she needs is a relationship, but there’s a dangerous air around the woman that makes her think that maybe this is something new and exciting, a perfect distraction, and so she shoves the napkin in her pocket.

The moment she steps back into the apartment, she releases a sigh of relief when she notices there’s no sign of Kimberly. Her relief is short lived when Jason immediately steps out of his room and sits her down on the couch.

“What the hell was that all about?” Jason asks, giving her a stern look.

“I don’t like her.” Trini responds. 

“Uh, yeah, I kind of gathered that.”

“I don’t need a reason to dislike her.” 

Trini crosses her arms and leans back against the couch, unwilling to speak to her best friend.

“Kim wants to talk to you. When you stormed out,  she just stared at the door like she saw a ghost. She was really, like, you know. Shook.”

“Shook.” Trini repeats in a monotone.

“Yeah, real shook." 

“Okay, listen up, Scott. One, nobody says ‘shook’ anymore, and two, I don’t care.”

“Trini, come on. At least tell me how you know her.”

Jason frowns in the way he does when he’s not hearing a response he wants, and she usually gives in to save herself the trouble, but this isn’t a battle he’s going to win. Perfect small-town hero boy wouldn’t understand. Jumping around schools was never easy . She stayed in the same town from elementary up until her freshman year of high school and it was fine. It was great. Trini was team captain on her school’s soccer team, she had more friends than she could count, a supportive family for fuck’s sake, but Kim, she –

“She was my best friend.”

“What?”

“She moved to my town in the first year of middle school and joined my soccer team and we got along really well so naturally, we became best friends. We stayed that way until high school happened.”

“You stopped being friends or something?” Jason asks.

“She’s the reason I had to move to another school.”

“I thought you were home schooled?”

“Well, after three different high schools in the district all kicked me out, I didn’t have many options.” Trini grumbles.

“Did she get you in trouble?” Jason asks, leaning a little too forward. 

“Get out of my face.” Trini mutters, pushing his head away from her. “That’s none of your business. I told you how I know her.”

Jason puts his hands up in defeat.

“You’re right, you’re right. None of my business, T. I don’t know what she did to you or why you hate her so much, but she’s really not a bad person. She moved to my high school maybe the beginning of senior year and she’s always been sweet and kind. People change, you know. I think it wouldn’t hurt to talk to her.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so.” Trini mutters. “Girls like her don’t change. They just learn how to hide it better.”

“Well, look. She doesn’t have a place here in the city and she was going to move in so she wasn’t looking into other places. I don’t know what personal grudge you have against her, but I’m not going to toss her out into the streets, okay? She’s still my friend. She’s moving in tomorrow because of the whole no-home-here situation but she’ll be looking for other places to live, and as soon as she can, she’ll leave, alright? It’ll be a few weeks at most. Just don’t, like, kill her.”

Trini feels her fists clench involuntarily in response to Jason, but she knows if she tries to push the subject, he’ll expect some sort of emotional outpouring and “honesty”, and she’s really not in the mood to give him what he wants. She stands up and marches to her room, only looking back momentarily at the boy with a heated look that makes him flinch.

“No promises.”


	3. protect the seed that wants to grow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the lovely encouragements and I hope you stick around until the story wraps up.

It’s been less than ten hours since Kim’s moved in and she’s already got Trini cornered in the living room. There’s plenty of space between them, but whenever Kim enters the room, it feels way too close for comfort.

“What do you want, Hart?” Trini growls, trying to step past her.

It doesn’t work. The other girl’s height works to her advantage, because she steps in line with Trini, looking apologetic all the while. 

“I just… wanted to see if we could clear the air between us. I know… I know a lot happened back in high school, and I really wanted to just apologize-“

“Shut up.” Trini snaps.

Kim shuts her mouth, crossing her arms in front of her chest in discomfort.

“Trini…” 

“I’m not trying to be petty. I don’t want to talk to you because my past is behind me and I do not want it brought back up, and I don’t want to talk to you about it and I sure as _hell_ don’t want to be your friend. I don’t want to think about it, I don’t want to talk to you, and I don’t want to be anywhere near you.”

There’s a soft sadness that almost radiates out of Kim’s eyes that threatens to break her resolve but Trini stands strong. Trini’s always been strong. She’s always been a fighter. Pretty girls with pretty eyes and pretty white lies don’t get to her anymore. After a moment’s silence, Kim sighs and uncrosses her arms, taking a step back.

“You don’t want to talk to me about what happened. I get it. I won’t try to bring anything up, I promise. But I didn’t move here because I wanted to ruin your year or anything. I just… I don’t have anywhere to live or anywhere to go back to. I’m already looking at other apartments that fall inside my budget. I promise I’ll get out of your hair but until then, can we just… coexist? If you really can’t stand another moment with me, just… just say the word and I’ll leave.”

Kim’s staring at her and her eyes look equal parts upset and guilty, her shoulders slumped in acceptance of their newly established status quo, and Trini hates that. It’s the same look she gave her all those years ago in high school, outside of the locker room, before turning to her friends and laughing. That second where it looked like she cared, like she truly felt sort, like she’d open her mouth and say something – 

But this wasn’t high school anymore. Trini could see right through that bullshit. The scene already played out before and she knows how it ends. 

It’s so tempting to just say it – to tell the girl to fuck off and go back to whichever layer of hell she crawled out of. It takes all of her will to suppress the anger boiling inside of her, and it’s not because she wants to spare the girl’s feelings. She’s afraid that if she does start yelling, she’ll end up unpacking the memories and issues she had so carefully packaged and put away in the back of her mind. She’s barely emotionally stable as is. She’s not sure her psych could handle the skeletons in her closet.

She needs them to dust over until all she can see are cobwebs in the recesses of her mind.

“You have until the end of the year.”

She regrets it as soon as she says it, but it’s done. Trini pushes past Kim and grabs her jacket off of the counter, making a show of how much she’d rather not be around Kim. The walk to the corner bar is the longest it has ever felt; it’s the first time she’s hyperaware of the baggage she’s been carrying around since her adolescence.

She’s not sure she can keep pushing all her thoughts and negative feelings to the corners of her mind for another month, never mind the rest of the year. There’s too much history there, too much of all the things she’s built a wall around. Her mind wants to scale the fences and jump to old memories – wants to replay high school in her mind just to remember – and it makes her want to puke.

Stop thinking about it. Stop _thinking_ about it.

The minute she walks into the bar, she orders three shots. Five minutes later, she’s downed two more. 

There’s a cute brunette sitting at a table nearby and Trini’s a little too drunk to try and charm anyone properly, so she goes the second easiest route and offers to buy her drinks. The girl smiles and accepts, and by the time Trini closes her tab, Trini and (Lisa? Lianne? Lori? She can’t remember.) are way too drunk to be having sex when they finally manage to make it back to Trini’s apartment. They still do, though.

It’s quick and fun and mostly kind of gross but (Lana? Laya? It’s totally Lianne.) is passed out next to her on Trini’s mattress-on-the-ground style bed. (The bedframe broke because of one _really_ fun night and she’s never gotten around to replacing it. Or, it was probably a fun night. She can’t really recall.) Trini’s beginning to feel a little dizzy from the drinks, but she focuses on one spot on the dark ceiling until the spins slow down. 

There’s a billion and a half thoughts racing through her mind but the alcohol helps her not have to process any of it, although she physically feels awful. She tries to think of when the last time she spent a whole day sober was and it’s really hard to think that far back while drunk so she stops trying. The thing about being drunk is that it wraps her in a warmth that feels like liquid armor. It’s like she’s floating in the middle of an ocean and her demons waiting on the shore that surround her don’t know how to swim.

No, floating doesn’t sound right. Her body feels way too heavy for floating.

Her vision fades in and out and the comfort of being away from her doubts and fears envelops her like a blanket. Before long, she’s fast asleep, the last thoughts in her mind forgotten.

It’s the smell of bacon that stirs Trini from her dreamless sleep. The girl (Lily? Lorraine? Forget it.) is already awake, stretching and grabbing her clothes from off the floor. Trini joins her, grabbing a shirt from over a chair and her crumpled jeans at the foot of the bed. It seems like the girl isn’t looking to stay, which is a huge relief because the small stomachache from all the shots from the night before requires immediate attention, and she really doesn’t want to get breakfast with a hookup 

There’s humming coming from the kitchen and Trini flinches at the reminder that Kim is living under her roof. Trini tries to lead the girl to the front door without Kim noticing, but the open space plan of the kitchen makes her plan immediately fall flat.

“Oh, hey, Trini.”

Kim looks over from the stove, waving the spatula with one hand and gripping the handle of the pan with the other. 

“Oh! And you are?” Kim asks, regarding Trini’s guest. 

“I’m –“

“She’s leaving.” Trini quickly interrupts, grabbing the girl’s hand and walking her to the door.

The girl’s not too pleased about being interrupted, but she leaves without a fuss anyways. The best part about one-night stands is that intimacy ends before it can even begin. The door slams behind the girl and Trini walks back to the kitchen, trying not to acknowledge Kim in the tiny space. 

“I made breakfast.” Kim says. 

Trini doesn’t spare her a look, instead grabbing a bowl and the box of cheerios resting on top of the fridge and returning to her seat. It’s surprisingly light, so when she gives it a shake over her bowl, she’s not too surprised when only a few pieces of cereal come tumbling out of the box.

“So… breakfast?” Kim repeats. 

Kim is pushing a plate in front of her, piled high with a stack of mini pancakes, scrambled eggs, and two strips of bacon. The food in front of her looks and smells a lot more appealing than three cheerios swimming in air (because Jason finished the milk two days ago and never replaced it, the absolute asshole). Still, Trini is sure that eating the breakfast would mean swallowing her pride along with it, and those two flavors probably don’t pair very well, so she pushes it back towards Kim.

The taller girl just pushes it back, and Trini’s way too invested in ignoring the girl to engage in a game of bacon tug-o-war with her, so she lets it be. She pokes at the food with a fork, lifting layers of the pancake apart and glaring at the syrup filling up the spaces between them. 

“I didn’t poison anything if that’s what you’re afraid of.” Kim says dryly, taking a bite of pancake off her own plate.

Trini bites back another remark by shoving a forkful of bacon and eggs into her mouth. Not responding to sarcasm with more sarcasm is an _effort_.

It’s surprisingly good. 

“So who was that?” Kim asks, trying to initiate a conversation. “What’s her name?”

“Don’t know.” 

“Oh! Where’d you meet her?”

“I wasn’t aware co-existing meant getting into each other’s business." 

“Okay, fair." 

Trini hopes it won’t be like this every morning, with Kim trying to initiate conversation by asking her questions about her one-night stands. Luckily, Kim drops the subject immediately.

“So… how’s the food?” Kim asks.

“Awful.” Trini bites back. 

A small frown spreads on Kim’s face, but Trini actively avoids looking there, taking another bite instead. The girl grins when she does, leaning back and tapping her fingers on the counter. Trini wonders if she’s made the wrong move, but breakfast food is so rare in the apartment and she’s _so_ hungry. Sue her.

“But you’re eating it anyways.”

Ugh.

Trini goes back to ignoring the girl and Kim stops trying to continue the conversation when she notices the shift in mood. Trini finishes the whole plate – even scrapes at the last of the syrup – before she leans back in her seat. Before she can get up, Kim grabs the plate and takes it to the sink. She turns the faucet on and begins washing the dishes and Trini wants to leave, but…

It feels a little rude to accept food (no matter how begrudgingly) and leave, even though Kim deserves nothing but awful, rude things. She’s not about to go up to the other girl, so instead, she crosses her arms and stares at the taller girl’s back with a frown. 

Okay, whatever, politeness is a virtue or something.

“So.” Trini says.

Kim turns her head around, hands still busily working at scrubbing soap onto the dirty plates.

“Thanks. I guess.” She grumbles.

The words bring a bright smile to Kim’s face, which is, at the same time, both nostalgic and extremely irritating to Trini.

“Anytime!” Kim chirps before turning her head back around.

The girl looks genuinely pleased by her words and it kind of makes Trini feel a little twisted up inside about how she’s been treating Kim. Not that she _should_ feel guilty – the girl deserves the treatment she’s getting and more. Girls like that don’t change. Some people don’t deserve to be forgiven. These are the things Trini is absolutely sure of. 

But then Kim whistles a jovial tune as she washes the dishes and Trini ahs to stop herself from offering to help. She turns around and marches to her room, locking the door behind her.

She’s starting to feel the _tiniest_ bit unsure about her absolutes, and it pisses her right the hell off.


	4. pardon my territory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been incredibly busy all month but I'm back. Thanks for your patience.

It’s almost scary how quickly Trini gets used to Kim being around the house. 

The routine rarely changes – Kim makes breakfast and waits until Trini crawls out of bed nursing a hangover or chasing off a stranger (or both). Sometimes Trini goes to work and sometimes she doesn’t. Jason’s always out of the apartment in the mornings, way before either of them wake up. Kim works nights so she’s usually around, and they’ve taken to watching television in the living room together sometimes. It’s easy to forget to totally despise Kim – monotonous patterns tend to make her complacent.

That’s how she finds herself on opposite ends of the couch with Kim, a bowl of popcorn between them and the sound of the television blaring through the living room. 

Trini’s not a complete idiot; she’s been busy trying to shove as many things into the back of her mind that she zones out a little too often. It’s hard not to laugh with Kim when the main character of whatever shitty sitcom they’re watching does something ridiculous and it’s easy to exist with Kim when their history is hiding away. She should've known. Things that hide don't stay hidden for long.

Kim gives her a warm look and puts a hand on top of hers. 

“Look at us. Co-existing.”  
  
Trini feels an overwhelming sense of panic and dread in the pit of her stomach at the kind look in Kim’s eyes and her soft hands. She suddenly feels overwhelmed and endangered, like the gentleness in Kim’s eyes is a distraction, a lie. Of course it’s a lie. Of _course_ it’s a fucking lie. She feels shame and embarrassment that she’d let herself forget – that she’d let down any walls near the mouth of a liar’s cannon. 

Trini pulls her hand away and reminds herself to check for any burns. Kim frowns but doesn’t say anything when Trini gets up and promptly rushes to out the door.

She doesn’t want to forgive her. She’s not sure if she even knows _how_ to, at this point.

It embarrasses her, how spineless she must seem if Kim is so eager to mend bridges that she’s sure she’s posted countless “Do Not Cross” signs all over. How could Kim think a plate of breakfast and a bowl of popcorn could fix years of emotional destruction? Did she think Trini was that weak?

Fuck her.

Trini doesn’t want to, but she remembers it all.

She can still remember it, the jeering looks and the mocking snickers in the hallway the day it happened. She remembers how confused she was and how she convinced herself it must have been something else – it _had_ to be something else. She remembers grabbing her phone from her locker after accidentally leaving it there the whole day and she remembers that sickly drop she felt in the pit of her stomach when she saw the text message that had been circulating all morning.

Her body freezing up, the ice cold shivers running down her back – she remembers staring at it in disbelief, thinking of summer camp, three months back. The polaroid – her bunk mate. Tommi Oliver, with her long brunette hair with green streaks and wild eyes; a city girl with life experience away from the small town Trini was so used to, the smell of her vanilla shampoo and the way her eyes twinkled when she said her name.

The last night of camp, how they ran out of their bunk past bedtime and to the campfire clearing and how Tommi set up the fire again. How she pulled out her polaroid camera and asked for a picture and how Trini nodded, eyes a little wet from knowing that they would have to go back home, hundreds of miles away. How they smiled for the camera before she turned her head and found herself mesmerized by Tommi’s soft features, and how Tommi noticed and turned her head too. 

She remembers the softest kiss she’s ever received and the click of the camera and the thump of her heart. 

Intimate and vulnerable.

The polaroid she kept hidden under her pillow. 

The frightening quiet that brought her back to reality when her schoolmates notice her looking at the photo attached to the text, and the loud voice breaking the silence.

_“Who knew Trini was a dyke?”_

She remembers looking across the hall and seeing Kim, seeking comfort but finding within those upset and guilty eyes a confirmation of a betrayal like no other. She remembers her hands shaking, almost dropping her phone, and she remembers Kim looking away to the girls next to her, joining in their laughter.

_“Oh my god, is she looking at us?”_

The senior girls that used to dote on her becoming a sea of disgusted faces, their facial expressions averaging out to a solid “ _you’re not wanted here._ ” It’s repeated so much that she doesn’t know any different. She’s not wanted – she’s not wanted _anywhere_.

Trini wants to puke, thinking back on the day that started it all. She’s not sure that day ever ended.

Her mind is still rapidly sending her through a twisted fall through a memory black hole when she looks up to see Rita. She’s ended up at the club in the midst of all her thoughts, somehow.

“Darling, you never called.”

Trini doesn’t answer, because she really doesn’t know if opening her mouth is going to result in words or a complete breakdown. The expression on the woman’s face changes when she notices Trini’s conflicted expression.

“Oh sweetie, you look so down.” She coos, wrapping a hand around her wrist. 

All Trini can think about is how vulnerable and exposed she felt in front of a mass of people that had loved her just a day before. All she can think about is betrayal, of the spray-painted words on her locker, of the bruises from getting pushed against walls by sneering classmates, of the utter loneliness in sitting alone under the school bleachers during lunch time with her head in her hands. The confusion of being thrust into a newfound sexual identity that she hadn't even begun processing, mixed with the trauma of becoming public pariah #1.

She wasn’t ready – she wasn’t fucking _ready_.

“I can help, you know.” Rita says, and it sounds both flirty and caring.

Rita curls her finger around her chin and looks her in the eyes, and the way they show concern with a bit of sharp apathy feels a lot safer, a lot clearer. It’s honest.

“Do you live nearby? Let’s get out of here.”

Trini opens her mouth to reject her advances but Rita continues talking.  
  
“I’m not propositioning sex, darling. Trust me, I can help you.” 

And maybe Trini’s not making the best decision, bringing home a stranger during the crux of her emotional floodgates ripping wide open after years of repression, but if the woman ends up being a serial killer, Trini’s not so sure it’d be so bad.

Kim’s not in the living room when they make it back to the apartment, so she quickly guides Rita to her room and locks the door behind her. The woman whistles while taking a look around her room, which is a mix of messy and worn-in. Stopping in front of Trini, Rita pulls out a small container from her pocket and shakes it in front of her face.

“Ever heard of Zeo Crystal?”

“The drug?” Trini mutters, crossing her arms. “Saw a few news pieces on it here and there. Nothing positive.”

“When is there _ever_ a positive news piece on hard drugs, dear?” Rita laughs.

“I didn’t know drugs was what you meant when you said you’d make me feel better.” Trini continues.

“I think a part of you did.” Rita smiles, teeth bared for a moment. “And I meant it when I said I can help you.” 

It’s probably not a good idea, but Trini’s feeling like the end result of a train crash and she’s certain that staying sober is going to kill her faster than any drug will so she lets Rita continue speaking.

“It’s a gentle lover.” Rita says. “Unlike me. But you’ll like it just the same.”

Trini scoffs, leaning back against the wall. She feels excited or anxious; she’s not completely sure which.

“The pure thing is clear. Like this one.” Rita says, holding up a pill with a completely transparent rock inside of it. “It needs to be mixed with other chemicals so it doesn’t kill you, which is why your pill has a hue to it. The pills might have a variety of different hues but they're all the same - the color is put in so you can tell it's mixed with other chemicals. You need to build up an extremely high tolerance to even try the pure thing, so it's best to have a visual cue to prevent that.”

“All this talk of death isn’t really making me want to do this anymore.” Trini says dryly, but she smirks when Rita raises an eyebrow at her.

“Really? I thought you’d find death talk sexy.”

“Your kinks aren’t universal.”

Trini grins when Rita lets out a giddy laugh. The older woman pushes a pill towards her and Trini grabs it as soon as it’s in her reach. She stares at the pill between her fingers. The shell of the pill is transparent, so Trini focuses her gaze on its contents. There’s a slightly yellow tinted and crystalized rock inside of it, almost as big as the pill itself. It doesn’t look as scary as she stories she hears about drugs; it looks a little beautiful.  
  
“A shot to chase it down?” Rita winks, pushing over a personal bottle of tequila.

For a second, Trini considers what the hell she’s getting herself into, but her head is beginning to hurt from all the awful mind games she’s been playing with herself, and all she wants is to forget.

“Fuck it. Let’s do it.”

The only thing Trini can taste the few seconds after downing the pill and the shot is the sour taste of the tequila. It makes her purse her lips and cough.

“I don’t feel much different.” Trini croaks, wiping her mouth on her sleeve.

“It takes a little bit of time to really hit your blood stream.”

Ten minutes pass and she’s laying back on her bed with Rita, both women quietly staring at the ceiling. Her mind is still running a hundred miles a minute and she can barely hear Rita talk over the echoes of hallway laughter playing in the back of her mind. _Who knew Trini was a dyke?_ She can’t stop thinking. _Oh my god, is she looking at us?_ She sits up.

“Rita, it’s not working -“ 

It hits her like a bullet.

One second she’s a little drunk and a little angry but all of a sudden, everything feels like it’s melting away. She can almost envision her thoughts melting off of her bones, collecting in a pool at the edge of the bed. If alcohol makes her feel like she’s swimming in the middle of the ocean, the Zeo is lifting her out of the water and holding her up in the sky. 

She’s flying. 

“You were saying?” Rita purrs, lightly dragging a finger down the side of Trini’s face.

“I feel _amazing_.” Trini says, laying back on her bed and smiling.

“I told you, buttercup. It’s a gentle lover.”

“Yeah, you did.”

The two girls are laughing and laughing for god knows what reason and Trini doesn’t remember the last time she laughed so freely. Her body feels like it’s being pumped full of lightning and her fingers and toes are tingling in a way that makes her giggle. There’s a moment where she wonders if this is what it feels like to be on top of the world. Alcohol helped shield her from her problems, but this – this was lifting her right out of the heart of them. 

She’s wanted this – no, she’s needed this. She’s needed this. This freedom. For the first time in years, none of it matters.

She needs this. 

It’s the last thought she has before she falls asleep.

The morning is rougher than most. Hangovers aren’t all too uncommon for Trini, but her consistent drinking made her well versed in dealing with hangovers. This is something new. There’s no physical pain, except for a little soreness. 

It’s more about how destroyed her mind feels. The thoughts in her mind are on overdrive, as if all the escaping from the night before pulled her thoughts out of her head and in the morning, they’re pile-driven back into her. She feels like her time in the clouds ended with a bitch-slap from God back into reality, and reality’s gotten a whole lot uglier while she was gone. There’s a throbbing in the side of her head and she feels so, so present but far removed from reality at the same time.

It’s confusing and it’s hard to handle.

She looks around but it looks like Rita already left. There’s a small something on her dresser though, so she walks over to it. There’s a piece of paper and a small coin purse.

“Darling, had fun with you last night. Mornings can be rough so I left you a present. If you need any more, you know where to find me. Kisses, Rita.” Trini mumbles under her breath, reading the note as quickly as her hurting eyes allow.

Trini quickly zips open the coin purse and pulls out two yellow-tinted pills like the ones from the night before. She smiles despite herself, knowing that the awful feelings she was hit with the moment she woke up have a remedy. There’s only a moment’s hesitation before she places a pill on her tongue and grabs a water bottle to knock it back with.

It almost tastes like shelter.


End file.
